Am I in your way?

Am I in your way, little spider?

She curiously walked all around my daily reading and writing spot, and kept turning back to give me long stares.

I felt my usual spider-encounter inclination born out of fear: to repel from, or even kill, a spider. As if I have ownership over the space. As if my size and power gives me the right to end a life. But as she stared at me, I felt a deeper inclination, towards invitation. So, I stared back. I tried to listen. And watched as she stumbled and bounced around my stack of books, always turning back to face me.

It occurred to me I could crush her tiny body with one book. It occurred to me how violent and horrific this thought is within me, born of fear and discomfort with the unknown.

Eventually, it was I who left, not she. It was never my space to claim forever, to protect. I was once in a war museum in Leeds, and learned that it was when the human race started stockpiling food that we started turning our plows into swords.

I hope my innate desire to protect myself and remain safe can come up with more creative ways than ending the life I don’t understand that stands before me.

I want life and bodies to stop paying the price for my/our inability to sit with our fear.